I tried y’all. I tried to not get Into this show again, but I can’t help myself. I’m Really Into Bravo’s Southern Charm.
My friend, Cassandra & I always talk trash about our Housewives & this show is the same. It’s like a soap opera, in that you can watch it for the first time & easily understand what’s happening. It’s got boozy old women, goofy bachelors, the history & pomp that is the South & secrets, relationships & drama. It’s the perfect background noise & much needed reprieve on Monday nights. Here is the lowdown at the start of Season Five.
Shep is still…Shep. He’s the quirky, non-committal, sometimes lovable party guy living it up with all the gingham & bedhead swagger we expect. He’s the archetypal “man child” & I doubt we will see that change. He introduces us to his buddy, Austen & the two of them are bromancing hard according to Shep.
Austen, I’m trying to withhold judgment, but it’s tough. Austen has always wanted to open a business from the ground up because “that’s what my degree” is in. He sells beer for a living & makes it clear from the start that he’s more than a frat rat. Well, he tries. Cut to his next scene, where he jokes about the “walk of shame” a gal makes when leaving his house. A true gentleman, he offered her some juice before kicking her ass out.
Who could forget last year’s many awkward situations involving Landon? First, she declared her love for Shep & he said ‘No, thanks’. And that was AFTER she threw a disco themed roller skating party for him! It wasn’t a good year for her.
This season finds her paddle boarding in a green lake talking about her rough summer of traveling the world. Sorry girl, I’m still reeling over that cringeworthy meeting where she tried to pitch her idea for a lifestyle blog & the guy called her out for being totally unprepared. That was bad.
I died when I saw the arguable star of the show, Patricia. She’s Whitney’s mom (Whitney is a guy & a producer on the show that lives in LA) & she is doing a needlepoint of her pug, Chauncey. Patricia is giving us Mommie Dearest couture tucked back in her mansion being served by her butler, Michael. She’s wearing an insane amount of jewelry & ivory caftan. No surprise here, she’s throwing shade at Kathryn. I mean look at these screenshots- I couldn’t not share this with y’all. I can’t even take it!
Cagey ass Craig finally copped that he never finished law school last year. He claims he is known for “being a socialite,” but this season finds him as a gardener/carpenter/professional hobbyist. He is still bringing up law school stuff, but now he’s “waiting.” For what, I don’t know. Shep is totally butt hurt that Craig lied about taking the bar & their bromance is SO over! He’s calling out Craig for being fake & there’s some serious bad blood that’s sure to pop up again this season.
Cameran, as usual, is the main one who has a grip on reality. Remember her from, The Real World: San Diego? She’s a real estate agent, so funny, hardworking & the voice of reason.
Sad stuff coming up here. Thomas (the former state treasurer that had to resign after getting caught with a ton of cocaine) has full custody of the 2 kids he shares with Kathryn. He’s keeping the kids & their Nanny in the guest house & he’s realizing that he’s over 5o with 2 young kids & no stable home life. Evidently he has $30,000 rugs in his home & he can’t risk the kids messing them up, so the guest house they must stay.
Oh, Kathryn- she failed a drug test, went to rehab & is back in Monck’s Corner trying to get it together for the sake of her kids. Seriously, I hope this season finds her mellow, focused & determined to keep it together for Saint & Kensie. She’s so young & if she can steer clear of the drama, I think she has a real shot.
I’m Really Into This show & I can’t help it. The first scene of this season shows Thomas telling Landon they should take a chance with their relationship, which I can only think is a total mess. Kathryn will LOSE her mind if Landon & Thomas are a legit couple. I guess Bravo hooked me again with that teaser.
Sarah: Whitney showed up at Thomas’s house in a studded trench coat & explained he and his long distance girlfriend broke up. He thinks old Thom is doing better without Kathryn around. DUH!
Cassandra: Cameran went to meet Jen Snowd0n’s baby (no relation to Edward…I think) & I’m glad we learned about her sweet baby boy because I remember hearing about him when she was pregnant at the reunion. Cameran is still on the fence about having kids.
Sarah: Shep (like the pie) & Craig had it out at the batting cage. Shep just can’t let he fact that Craig lied about law school go. So, he brings it up again & interrogated him. Maybe Shep wants to be a lawyer? Craig basically told Shep to step off, get a girlfriend & quit being a loser. Then, Shep switches to bitch mode & says he & the rest of the gang took Craig off their group texts, which is the modern-day scarlet letter.
Side note: Poor Craig is allergic to cats, but he cuddles all night with them anyway & pushes them in a wheelbarrow. Remember now, he’s a gardener. His girlfriend, Naomie is pissed about Shep running his mouth about Craig. I have to say I was Really Into Naomie’s look at the event.
We got another throwback to Landon’s humiliating blog meeting in NYC & honestly I never tire of it. She’s getting her travel blog, Roam off the ground despite her disclosure she knows nothing about technology. Seems like her team is keeping her on track & she’s already planning her Travel Channel show. Okay, I made that part up, but if it happens then you heard it first here.
Cassandra: You forgot to mention, “I don’t hang with millionaires, just billionaires.” Also, what is up with Thomas’ affinity for talking dirty to himself in the mirror….when he knows he’s on camera 😂. I never compliment myself in the mirror. It usually involves my cringing and running away lol.
Sarah: I will say, the little bit I saw of the blog did look nice & professional. Her friends did a good job- I’m sorry; I had to say it. She didn’t even help write the content! Shep tells her to slow her role- when did he become Grandpa Shepherd dolling out advice. He seriously said, “take that under advisement & kill me with kindness.”
Cassandra: “when I’m Not bitchy I get taken advantage of and then when I am bitchy I get called a bitch.”
Sarah: Cameran is pushing hard for Shep & Chelsea to make a love connection I mean they both hunt, fish, surf & drink. Hell, they sound like soul mates to me. Too bad Shep (like Shepherd’s pie) is only Into free love. That third wheel date with Cameran was super awkward.
WEEK THREE: Landon cannot say the word, charcuterie. Finally though, Craig said it, who anointed Shep as the resident expert & unsolicited advice giver on all subjects. No worries, Craig can’t say step & repeat, which makes me Really question his status as a Bravolebrity.
You can never be overeducated or overdressed- Pat is a goddess. You know she sells her own custom caftans & once this blog take off, I’m buying a few My fear is when I go caftan I will never go back to a waistband.
Lord, help Kathryn. Showing up to model with photos on her laptop. She must have got advice from her nemesis, Landon on being prepared for business meetings. Sounds like she may get St. Julien & Kensie modeling, but let’s see what Thomas says about that.
Speaking of Thomas, this guy has MONOGRAMMED NAPKINS for his in home bar. I don’t whether to be pissed off or impressed with this. Just kidding- I thought it was F-ing ridiculous.
OMG- Craig talking to that damn cat Gizmo about how they weren’t going to make any money because his hair was crap- I died. Especially when he asked, “How are we going to explain this to the orphans?” Also, Naomie is steadily becoming my fave especially when I learned she & her parents talk shit about people in their native language, French.
Since Shep is into ‘free love’ looks like Chelsea may be moving onto Austen & I’m not sure Cameran is too happy with that scenario.
WEEK FOUR: Oh, back at the Polo Club. It was hotter than hell & Landon was taking on the role of Mrs. TRAV. It seems like Kathryn might have been right about Landon wanting to weasel her way into the Ravenel name. Now, Craig got pissed when Thomas sat on his ass instead of getting up to kiss his kids when the Nanny brought them to the match. Patricia explained this on WWHL that Thomas was doing the kids a favor as Polo is dangerous & he wanted them off the field. I could see that, but I’m not convinced that was his intent. Austen is getting really close to Chelsea, much to Shep & Cameran’s surprise. Freaking Landon- when she said, “when have I have I ever had a hair-brained idea? I’ve been very successful at pretty much everything I’ve ever done.” CTFO, Landon- you are in such denial I CAN’ T EVEN! The love triangle between Shep, Austen & Chelsea is definitely heating up. Chelsea’s such a bad ass- she’s like I’m doing what I’m doing & you boys can figure it out for yourselves. Thomas is still pining after Landon & it’s super awkward. I totally agree with Whitney- get it over with, please.
WEEK FIVE: Grandpa Shep is still butthurt over Austen & Chelsea. Whitney telling Thomas he’s got so much baggage there isn’t even room in the overhead bin for all his issues was super awkward & hilarious. Jennifer & Kathryn had a lunch date to try to make amends & ugh, Kathryn was awful! Poor Jen was crying talking about her baby & Kathryn was so dismissive & we’ve seen this from her before. Landon talking about Roam at the bar & she’s suddenly so popular that she has to go incongito is laughable. I think I even detected a horrific British accent from Landon.
WEEK SIX: This week I had the treat of watching Southern Charm with Baby D.
Sarah: First of all, I can NEVER get enough of Patricia’s home & property. It’s just unbelievably gorgeous. I was stoked to see her hosting a dinner party. Also, I would die if I saw her buying liquor at Costco!
Okay, Charleston- what’s with all the Jeeps?
Derek: Shep- he’s the one with the curly hair and the liver problem. 9 drinks a night, I mean come on dude, grow up.
Derek: My thoughts on Craig, he’s a little bitch, doesn’t he not have a job and he’s giving his girlfriend a hard time. He’s embroidering a pillowcase while she’s busy at school.
Sarah: Austen is the beer whisperer. Love how Chelsea is dressed up & looking hot as hell & he’s like an overgrown child in his khaki pants, short sleeve plaid shirt & looks like his mom did his hair with her hand and some spit.
Cameran looked amazing at the dinner party & she hit the nail on the head staring getting Landon & Thomas together was a horrible idea.
Shep joined Kathryn for a yoga class where she donned pineapple graphic leggings.
Austen had dinner with his parents & they hit him with the idea of him supporting himself. He got a little testy with them. Jen had a sip & see for everyone to have a few drinks & meet Baby Ascher. Naomie showed up without Craig in tow because he wasn’t ready. He showed up acting like a total baby with a Hot Topic belt & saggy jeans. According to Baby D, Naomie has a good head on her shoulders & he’s not sure what they he’ll she’s doing with the man-child Craig. He was being a total prick to Naomie at the party & so disrespectful calling her horrible names. Thomas & Landon were flirting at the party & OMG it is so cringeworthy. Lord help us if they wind up making it work.
WEEK SEVEN: Kathryn is on good terms with her kid’s godparents- JD & Elizabeth. She & Thomas still haven’t spoken. Shep is trying to set up a hunting trip for the crew. Omg, Whitney, “part of hunting is lookin’ good!” Austen & Chelsea are definitely hooking up & Shep is totally out of the picture. I seriously screamed when I saw Pat with this phone case- I freaking love these characters so much and it’s further proof that she & I should be friends. Thomas showed up after hunting- remember, he’s a felon, so he can’t be around guns. Everybody got wasted & headed back to Charleston. This has to be a turning episode because Bravo did a long promo afterwards for the rest of the season.
WEEK EIGHT: Another week of watching Southern Charm with Baby D. Rain & Namoie went to couples therapy & basically Craig is in total denial- end of story. Chelsea & Austen are getting serious. He told Chelsea about his sister’s accidental death when they were kids- devastating & heartbreaking. They had a date at a trampoline park where again Chelsea looked hot as hell & Austen just crawled out of bed. Baby D just doesn’t understand how these fratty guys can land these girls & honestly I’m confused too. I almost threw up watching the “if I do this, then you have to kiss me exchange” does any girl out there really fall for that stunt? Especially when the guy is in a T-shirt and khaki shorts?!? Crossover with Kathryn going to Chelsea to get her hairdid, so she can get back into modeling. Kathryn also sent a note to Thomas trying to get back to a better spot. I am honestly believing her & hoping they can get to a better place. I think she really is trying, but he is not buying it. Maybe it’s too little too late for them. The highlight this week was Patricia’s launch party for her customized caftans. We met her friend, Georgette & she makes Pat look tame. There was an Indian theme to the party because they bought their first caftan there. Baby D wished Whitney was around more. Shep rolled up to the party looking like shit. This dinner party had rules- no politics, no religion, no cursing & no sex talk. Georgette showed off this giant ass diamond & she also threw some shade at all the dinner party guests. Then a psychic healer came to party & according to her: motherhood is in Cameron’s future, Law is Craig’s true passion & he will own his own law firm, Shep isn’t settling down anytime soon, Landon’s soulmate is in the room, Whitney will be a dad & then the gang fights over Thomas & Kathyryn again. Craig called out Landon for taking too many low blows & demanded an apology. Seems like the guys are willing to give Kathryn another try & Cameran & Landon are the holdouts.